On listening and connecting with people

by Ying Ying

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

~ Ernest Hemingway

I came across another abosolutely great article today that made my heart pound when I was reading it. Click here for the content. It’s on Thought Catalogue again but it was originally from Raptitude.com which has totally captured my attention, but that would be for another post once I’ve delved deeper into the content of the site.

Anyway, the article was so good it made my heart pound. I’m serious. It’s a long one but I read it all the way till the end. I feel relieved that there are people out there who just simply gets this sort of ideas, for I find it rare for people to consciously admit to these ideas.

It’s almost like people are almost scared to try and be a better human. We all have faults but yet some are brave enough to admit, while others are cowardly enough to shun from it for the whole of their lives. And out of the brave ones who dare admit their flaws, how many of them actually commit to changing it consciously? Why is it that we humans are always so selfish and full of our own useless selves?

There is no strength in just one person, for ideas do not flow and strong organisations cannot be set up. What the human heart is gifted with is the ability to love, cherish, and derive happiness from successfully working together, that sets us apart from other animals. Why so then, are we taken over by the traits like greed and selfishness, that when used right they are actually capable of producing functioning, maybe even positive results, but when in abudance, only drives us into our own graves?

It is in relief that I read and share the article, yet at the same time reading the comments made me frown that there are still people who are still unkind and selfish in their own opinions. It is worrisome, but share it some more, and hopefully a portion of these worries of mine will be uncalled for.

Here are excerpts from the article that I absolutey loved:

What they say, in terms of what words come out of their mouth, is just a tiny fraction of what they are communicating.  The real message is not what they say.  The real message is why. Where are these words coming from? That why is what tells us who they are and what they value.

The speaker is rarely just trying to relay basic information to you.  Almost always, they are speaking up because there is some visceral desire to express what they are feeling right now.  Speech is always triggered by a passion, a worry, a judgment, a realization, or some other internal encounter with an emotion of some kind.  If your friend suddenly brings up her job, it isn’t because she wants you to be well-informed about her situation at work, it’s because her job is on her mind and she wants to get it out of her mind. Respect that need and she will not only be grateful, but suddenly she’ll be much more likely to take an interest in what’s on your mind.

Really, really listen to what they say, and recognize that they are saying what they’re saying because it is important to them.  In every single thing every person says, they reveal what they value.  When you can get a glimpse of what people value, you can see the humanity in them.  And that is how humans connect: by understanding each other’s values.  You don’t have to share those values, though you’ll certainly find you share something with everyone.

The specifics of his anecdotes are not so important; it’s the glint of excitement in his eyes, and more importantly, the enthusiasm that swells in him when he realizes somebody is actually being receptive to his story.  I reserve my judgments; there’s no need to batter anyone over the head with my own stances.  There would be no communication at all if I did that.  Judgments just get in the way and do neither party any good.